by Brad Lamm, CIP with Dr. Steven Karp, M.D.
I remember as a kid, telling stories around a campfire amongst friends to creep-out and scare one another, while out in the woods. You know, that undefined place, until the rocks are placed and the fire is started where we roasted marshmallows? That place where every sound coming from outside the perimeter of light and warmth of the crackling embers, implies danger. Present and unseen but no doubt, accounted for.
In the work I do as an interventionist, assisting in complex trauma recovery in Los Angeles, what’s happened in the past shows up ready for action. No doubt, also present are the voices that matter in inviting a suffering loved one to accept help, though the weight past drama and trauma always sit in the front row. Complex trauma is a descriptor for the things that happened to us, and the absence of things that ought have occurred but did not. Our body, just there, in our central nervous system has the recording of what happened, when and why, on ready-access just waiting to send signals that say SAFE, NOT SAFE, RUN and the like.
While it is easy to imagine that trauma is some silent intruder that stealthily creeps into our lives, leaving deep imprints on our minds, bodies, and souls. Yet it is not so silent, when we listen for it. We can hear it loud and clear, as it resonates in dictating our response to help in crisis for example. When we mention TRAUMA, people often go to the many forms it which it rolls into our lives including early childhood abuse, neglect, domestic violence, war, accidents, natural disasters, disease, illness and pandemics. Yes, pandemics for sure.
The impact of these sort of traumas can be far-reaching, particularly when it comes to our ability to feel safe and respond in appropriate and healthy ways in different situations. Complex trauma can disrupt our internal system, leaving us struggling to navigate the world with a sense of security and stability. Imagine the house is on fire, with the kids inside and the warning system is off in a way that directs us that the house in its current inflamed reality, is safe instead of unsafe.
Have you ever met a person, who in spite of what they say about being wronged and abused in the past by a partner, seem to end up with a version of the abuser over and over? It’s not that they have a bad “picker” but rather that they confuse cues of safety and danger for one another.
Richard Schwartz, the creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, sheds light on how complex trauma can affect our inner world. Through an IFS lens, our internal system is made up of different parts or “sub-personalities” that carry various roles, emotions, and yes even memories. These parts are meant to work in harmony, but trauma can disrupt this delicate balance, leading to inner chaos and turmoil.
In the aftermath of complex trauma, these parts can become polarized or fragmented, leading to internal conflicts, dissociation, and dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Think of it this way — when the wrong part of you, responds to a situation at hand, it is like the “firefighter” part arriving to one’s wedding anniversary. Likewise, it’s like the “manager” part of us showing up for the house fire — ill equipped to respond since the strengths of the manager are quite different from the fire fighter.
When our internal system is in disarray due to our complex trauma past, our ability to feel safe in the moment can be compromised. Our parts may be triggered by current situations that remind them of the past trauma, leading to intense emotional responses and defensive reactions. This can result in a heightened state of anxiety, hyper-vigilance, or numbing, as our system tries to protect us from perceived threats.
In some cases, our parts may take on extreme roles, such as becoming overly controlling, submissive, or self-sabotaging, in an attempt to cope with the aftermath of trauma. Our friend Oprah Winfrey, who is such a profound student of the impacts of trauma, and by turns a teacher on it, eloquently puts it, “Trauma happens in relationships, so it can only be healed in relationships.” We don’t heal in the corner, alone and whimpering. We heal with help, an infusion of hope, and practice to reset the broken parts.
So often we wonder, why do we keep ending up, in relationships that cause us pain rather than benefit? It’s not rocket science, just trauma science since the interconnectedness of our internal system and the impact of trauma on our ability to form healthy relationships with ourselves and others is evidence-based thinking — not made up magical thinking.
When our parts are wounded and fragmented, our capacity to respond to situations in a balanced and adaptive manner get messy and unable to be clear. We struggle with trusting others, setting appropriate boundaries, or regulating our emotions, leading to further difficulties in our interactions with the world.
I love to say that AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE, IS HOPE, since it’s a truth I’ve lived by for the past twenty years since the light clicked on for me and I began to heal and change rather than suffer in silence.
Author and activist, mom and Director of Referral Relations at Breathe Life Healing Centers Mackenzie Phillips is a survivor of trauma in significant and wow-inducing ways. “Recovery is not just about the absence of substances, it’s about the presence of self.” She hits the nail on the head, since healing from complex trauma requires a multifaceted approach not just thoughts and prayers or the like. Healing and changing, involves addressing the different parts of our internal system with compassion, curiosity, and understanding. Healing entails building a trusting relationship with ourselves, nurturing self-care, and developing healthy coping strategies. Healing, also involves seeking support from trusted individuals, such as therapists, friends, or family members, who are able provide a safe space for us to process our trauma and learn new ways of responding to life’s challenges.
According to Schwartz, the key to healing and complex trauma recovery lies in befriending our parts and helping them integrate into a cohesive whole. Through this sort of specific therapy, we can develop skill in cultivating self-awareness and self-compassion, and developing a more balanced and harmonious relationship with our inner world. We learn to recognize the triggers and patterns that stem from our trauma and respond to them in a healthy and adaptive manner. By honoring and validating our parts’ experiences, we can create a sense of safety within ourselves, which can then translate into healthier responses in our external world.
Think about the parts of you. So many come to mind. My favorite part: my nose and my calves, and in another way of thinking, my service to others and compassionate listener come to mind. At the end of your rope, is hope, as you’re able to take the words I have written as a launchpad for action and accepting help.
Brad is an author, teacher and interventionist best known for helping people make transformational change via real-life storytelling with Oprah Winfrey, Good Morning America & The Today Show. He has presented to Parliament in the UK on invitational intervention and leads evidence-based trainings to equip clinicians and those in the helping arts, across the globe, to use through his clinical training workshops.
Brad is the founder of Breathe Life Healing Centers, the residential integrated care program and trauma treatment center in Los Angeles helping those who suffer from mental health, substance use and eating disorders, recover the precious parts of themselves.
