If you’re trying to understand codependency, this covers three things: what it actually is, the signs it’s turned unhealthy, and the most common patterns it shows up in.

Where the term comes from

The term traces back to the early days of Al-Anon, the first self-help group for families of alcoholics, founded in 1935. After sharing their experiences in group therapy, members noticed that the spouses of alcoholics often responded with a pattern of overly supportive, enabling behavior. That pattern got a name: codependency.

We know now that codependency isn’t limited to alcoholism. It happens on its own, and alongside all kinds of addictions and behavioral problems. Codependent relationships are an unhealthy way of finding self-esteem and a sense of safety, and over time they wear down identity and independence instead of building it.

The basics:

  • Codependent relationships happen between two people.
  • One person is “troubled” and tends to absorb the other’s energy and resources by behaving selfishly.
  • The other person, the codependent one, compulsively takes care of the other at the cost of their own wellbeing and independence.
  • It can happen in any relationship: friends, siblings, parents and children, coworkers, partners.
  • Codependency isn’t a clinical diagnosis on its own, but it’s highly treatable with support and therapy.

Signs it’s grown unhealthy

Close relationships are one of the best parts of being alive. But sometimes they grow into something harder to name. If someone in your life is making you feel any of the following, it’s worth taking seriously.

Low self-esteem

Codependency is a way of finding affirmation and a sense of self-worth. But when that self-esteem depends on someone else’s moods, it becomes unstable. A steadier path is building multiple relationships and leaning on your own inner strengths.

Compulsive people-pleasing

Codependents spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to please a more emotionally demanding partner, usually at the cost of their own wellbeing.

Extreme reactivity

Dips in a partner’s mood can trigger outsized emotional reactions in the codependent person.

Feeling powerless

Investing all your emotional energy in an unstable person can make your own life feel out of your control.

Isolation

As a codependent relationship deepens, the other relationships in a person’s life tend to fade, sometimes until only that one partner is left.

Obsession

Because codependents rely on the relationship for their sense of self-worth, it can gradually crowd out everything else they think about.

Intimacy problems

Codependency isn’t a functional, well-rounded bond, it’s two people relying on each other for specific psychological needs, which makes real communication difficult. That often shows up as reluctance to bring up certain topics for fear of upsetting the other person.

Painful emotions

With all of the above in play, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and a sense of being lost are common.

Common patterns

There’s no way to list every kind of codependent relationship, every situation is different, but a few patterns show up often.

Addict and caretaker

The original concept of codependency came from this exact dynamic. Addiction, whether to alcohol, drugs, gambling, or something else, tends to make people behave irresponsibly and selfishly, which makes them difficult to live with. Their partner often falls into a caretaker role, cleaning up the fallout and quietly enabling the behavior to continue. This dynamic tends to boost the caretaker’s own self-esteem, since it makes them feel needed. You might hear this person say something like, “I’m the responsible one in this relationship.”

Parent and child

This is one of the more troubling patterns, because it can interfere with a young person’s emotional development. A parent becomes dependent on their role as caretaker to a naturally needy child, and instead of that need fading as the child grows, the parent unintentionally prolongs it, making it harder for their child to become independent. A codependent parent will often complain about their adult child’s lack of independence while their own behavior works against it, continuing to spoil and enable that same dependence.

Dysfunctional adult and enabler

Life usually teaches people to be responsible: unpaid bills and skipped self-care have consequences that push most of us to get our act together. But sometimes a dysfunctional adult finds a partner willing to step in every time they don’t. That partner becomes an enabler, and their overly helpful behavior, however well-intentioned, allows the pattern of self-neglect to continue. You might hear an enabler say something like, “I’m the sane one,” or “I don’t know what they’d do without me.”

Getting help

If you and your family are affected by codependency, you don’t have to stay on the same path. Support is available, for the person struggling and for the people around them. Breathe’s Family Program is built specifically for this, helping the people around someone in treatment get care of their own while their loved one works through treatment.